A Wholesome Dose of Dad Tweets For Hilarious Fathers Flexing Their Funny Bone

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  • 01
    THE DAD thedad My 3-year-old scream-cried because someone finished his smoothie. It was him. He finished his smoothie.
  • 02
    dadandburied The greatest trick the devil ever played was convincing parents that letting kids stay up late would result in them sleeping in
  • 03
    DAUMANN Dadman Walking ❤ @dadmann_walking please keep my 10 yo in your thoughts and prayers. He left his electronics at my sister's house an hour away and he has *checks notes* "nothing to do anymore but stare at a stupid wall".
  • 04
    nateinthewild I don't want to get ostrich sized for this, but irregardless the conversation has peaked my interest. It might be a mute point, but for all intensive purposes it's a working progress.
  • 05
    alexjaye these CAN'T be the same knees I used to jump out of swings mid air and land with
  • 06
    dustinnickerson There's nothing like returning from a trip, walking into your home, taking a deep breath and thinking, "oh no, is this how my house always smells?"
  • 07
    msisabellathomas the older I get the more I understand uncles. it IS really fun to tell kids that crocodiles live in the sewer and will eat your toes if you stand on a grate.
  • 08
    oneawkwardmom I've never done parkour but I have chased a toddler with an open sharpie through the house.
  • 09
    mattobrien Costco should have a little parade every couple hours like Disney world but instead of Mickey it's just a bunch of Tire Center guys throwing dumpling samples from a scissor lift
  • 10
    livdraws_things Let's get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra
  • 11
    aotakeo My name is Aaron. My 9yo just found the Key and Peele sketch. You know the one. My life is ruined
  • 12
    alexjaye I hate when people text me "GM"... well GOOGLY MOOGLY to you too
  • 13
    meghan @deloisivete It's important to set an extra alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
  • 14
    Jennifer Parker @Mrs_JParker There's no way I can be an adult yet. I still don't know how the other buttons on the microwave work.
  • 15
    @ayaonx This lady called my job talking about she in a pickle. I asked "what's the dill" & she hung up on me.
  • 16
    taha @KhanStopMe SOME PERSONAL NEWS: After 5 amazing years, I've made the decision to quit my job as a good texter - I'm excited to explore new opportunities in being on top of laundry. I've enjoyed my time getting back to everyone and am looking forward to my new life being difficult to reach!
  • 17
    Dr Mehmet Çiftçi @mehmet_y_c I can't be the only husband who secretly likes to be sent out to do some late night shopping. Yes, my lady, I will go in a side quest to get some snacks for you from Sainsbury's
  • 18
    katie @pipterino My peak performance morning routine? Coffee, toast, then enter my Microsoft Authenticator six- digit code about 500 times
  • 19
    Andrew Nadeau @TheAndrewNadeau Crazy that the Jurassic Park was so good at making dinosaurs but so bad at making fences. Like, of the two, fences are much easier.
  • 20
    caesararum, BS, DOGS @caesararum "oh geeze, I forgot my driver's license" "I'm sorry, sir; i can't let you purchase alc without age verification." ol "will you accept a full recitation of the Ducktales theme?" "from memory?"
  • 21
    Jennifer Parker @Mrs_JParker My children went to Chiefs training camp this morning and then spent all afternoon at the pool and now my 4yo is crying because his dad "won't let him do anything fun today."
  • 22
    chubby_tonybluenails Today I'm wearing pink to raise awareness for those who don't separate reds from whites when washing
  • 23
    officialsadbeige ❤ I think anyone should be allowed to be a free lap infant on a plane.

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